Cavities: The Silent Threat

Volition, Inc. (NASDAQ:CRAP) announced Wednesday that it would be developing a toothpaste based on its quasi-professional line of space combat sims. The toothpaste, produced in cooperation with a generic foodstuffs corporation, will be on store shelves soon. "We here at Volition all agreed that the awful nebula effect in the original Freespace was really the best thing about the game... so the tie-in was obvious!"

Freespace brand Toothpaste is priced and styled similar to popular brands such as Crest, though it tastes worse, provides less cleaning power and completely lacks any semblance of a story. Still, company officials believe that it will appeal to large demographics, including both stupid fanboys and very stupid fanboys. Added Freespace creator Mike Kulas, "Did we tell you about how big the capital ships are?"

Some in the toothpaste industry, however, are worried - fearing that, as the brand did with the space sim genre, the poor quality of Freespace toothpaste may simply cause people to stop brushing their teeth altogether. Kulas was unconcerned, replying that "seriously, the ships are big. B-I-G big."

Tentative plans call for the addition development of a 'Freespace 2' line of hygiene products, which will be even more derivative and wildly unsuccessful than this initial offering. The current business model calls for Freespace-brand toothpaste to be distributed in two ways: 'regular' toothpaste will be thrown out of speeding cars at bums and hobos, while a 'special edition' will sell for upwards of $50 years after its printed expiration date.