Now that's What I Call Death Metal

Says our music correspondent, Jose Qire. Scenes of chaos abound at the Tinnitus Stadium, host to the last performance of The Buttock Men's Rock Icon tour of Bex. Over 350,000 eager fans descended on the stadium in the hope of getting tickets; only 120,000 were successful, and the lucky ticket-holders were immediately set upon by desperate fans. What started as an undignified scuffle has degenerated into a full-blown armed conflict, and planetary stocks of firearms are low. The band have been trapped in the stadium for two weeks, though I managed to interview lead singer Zak Skintight while he sat in his dressing room, sipping a pint of Bexian Brandy. When asked what he thought of the conflict, he replied 'It's a bit of a larf, innit'. Way to go, Zak.