Every Winner Loses!

A startling report by Derwin Limpers. I bet you're envious of all these lottery winners, aren't you, with their outsize comedy cred-slips, pad on Janus IV and flashy spaceships? Well, it seems that your envy might be a little misplaced, if the latest CIS research is to be believed. According to the report, Lottery winners make up one of the largest categories of crime victims, second only to freelance traders and traffic control operatives. In recent months, 127 Lottery winners have been murdered, 3,566 have suffered from offensive harassment, 812 have been mugged or assaulted, and 12,942 have been the victims of burglaries. Life's a bitch when you're rich, eh?