Jokes.

Status
Not open for further replies.
The Horse Race

an old post from the DOCWE board on GameFAQS:

THE HORSE RACE

Name Odds
---- ----
Bare Belly 2-1
Silk Panties 2-1
Passionate Lady 5-1
Clean Sheets 100-1
Conscience 100-1
Big Dick 3-1
Heavy Bosom 6-1
Thighs 5-1
Cherry 3-1
Jockey Shorts 5-1

Favorites
---------
Douche Bag 1-1
<more>
.

THEY'RE OFF!

Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off with
a rush. Bare Belly is beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean Sheets at the
back. Douche Bag is completely lost.

...AT THE RAIL

It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a hole and Big Dick is going in. Heavy
Bosom is hard pressed. Passionate Lady is coming strong and Conscience is
completely lost.

...AT THE TURN

It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs working hard and
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure.

<more>

.

...AT THE STRETCH

Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes in for the kill. Passionate
Lady is doing her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big Dick passed Thighs by
a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome.

...AT THE FINISH

Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady takes all he has and it's a dead heat.
Heavy Bosom folds, Bare Belly is all lathered up at the finish. Thighs pull up
and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience wasn't even in the race
from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly gives a quick spurt and Passionate Lady
kept coming. Douche Bag came in last to clean up the track.

....the end

From Mighty_gAB of Mighty TrL Stables NYC http://public.fotki.com/TrLStables/
(If you want to find me in there, look for BONK-EXI from the Phily Tournament)
 
Some profound quotes that someone sent me.



Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I
> would
> not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we
> were
> supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
> live
> forever, which is why I would not live forever," --
> Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest..
> ``````````````````````````````````
> "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
> world, I
> can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
> with all
> those flies and death and stuff . " --
> Mariah Carey
> ````````````
> " Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
> of your
> life," --
> Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
> antismoking campaign.
> `````````````````````````````````````````````````
> "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --
> Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> `````````````````````````````````````````````
> "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
> in the
> country," --
> Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
> `````````````````````````````
> "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
> are the
> president." --
> Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
> ````````````````````````````````````````````````````
> "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by an idiot,
> and I'm
> just the one to do it," --A Democrat Congressional Candidate in Texas.
> ````````````````````````````
> " "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
> manager,
> Danny Ozark
> ``````````````````````````````````
> "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
> impurities in our
> air and water that are doing it," --Al Gore, Vice President
> ```````````````````
> "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
> --
> Lee Iacocca
> ```````````
> "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
> like Norman
> Einstein," --
> Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
> ````````````````````````````````````````````
> "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
> people." --
> Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
> `````````````````````````````````
> "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --
> Bill Clinton, President
> ``````````````````
> "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --
> Al Gore, Vice President
> ``````````
> "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --
> Keppel Enderbery
> ```````````````
> "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
> received
> notice that you passed away... May God bless you. You may reapply if
> there is
> a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
> Greenville,
> South Carolina
> ````````````````````````````````````````````
> "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
> they go
> to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
> next
> morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --
> Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
>
 
A guy walks into a bar with a Giraffe(sp?). They begin drinking. After a few the giraffe falls over onto the floor piss-ant drunk. The man gets pays for the drinks and begins to walk out.

The barkeep looks at him and says, "Hey you can't leave that lyin' there."

The man replies, "Thats not a lion, its a Giraffe."


Peace,

Echo
 
what's a fly without wings?

- a walk

a chicken falls of a building *TOK*
a duck walks into a glass door * KWAK*
 
Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
A couple pretty bad ones, consider yourselves warned:

1) Why didn't Helen Keller make the basketball team?

Because she's blind and deaf.

2) A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender asks: "Where'd you get that?"
The parrot responds: "Down in Africa, there's TONS of em!"
(Please note: not a racist! :D )
 
I got a couple of old ones:

What is the last thing to go through a flys mind when it hits the windshield of a car?

Its ass.

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He was stuck to the chicken.
 
It was teachers day and all the children brought the teacher a gift. The florist's son brought flowers to the teacher, the Cook's daughter brought food for the teacher and so on. At last the Brewer's son presented his gift, which was a in a box. The teacher could tell that something was leaking out of the box.

The boy cried, "guess what''s inside!!"

The teacher put her finger on the leaking liquid and tasted it.

"Is it beer?" she asked.

"No"

"Is it champagne?" she asked tasting it again.

"No"

"Is it wine?" she tried for the last time.

"No"


"Then what's inside?" she asked impatiently


"A PUPPY!!!!"

heh heh
 
A guy is playing golf with a priest and he is not very good. Every time he misses, he curses.
"Damn it! I missed!"
The priest says "Don't curse, or God might strike you dead!"
"Sorry."
Next hole.
"Damn it! I missed! Oh... sorry."
Next hole.
"Damn it! I missed! Oh... sorry. I swear I'll stop cursing."
Next hole.
"Damn it! I --"
Lightning strikes... and when the dust clears, the priest is lying dead on the ground.
A voice from the sky yells: "Damn it! I missed!"
 
Heres one:

a middleaged guy was driving a convetible down the highway when a cop car pulls behind him and flashes his lights. the guy figures he can beat the cop so he guns it and goes flying down the road. the cop is behind him in full persuit, so the guy goes faster and faster until finally he gives up so is pulls to the side of the road and the cop gets out and goes to the guy. the guy says "sorry, my wife left me for a cop a few weeks back and i thought you were trying to give her back!"
 
A guy was pulled over for speeding. He shut off his car and rolled down his window. The officer approched and asked the driver:
"License please"
The man replied "I'm sorry Officer my license is suspended."
The Officer then asked for the registration to which the man replied "The registration is in the glove box and I would get it but then you would see the gun in there."
"Well why do you have a gun?"
"Because I just killed my wife and put the body in my trunk."
The Officer worried now pulled out his gun called for backup and had the man step out of his car where he was handcuffed. As he was placing the man in the back of the cruiser his Sargent dove up.
Together they both checked the car. There was no body in the trunk and no gun in the glove box. The sargent walked up to the man and asked him for ID which was promptly provided.
"You told the Officer that you where unlicensed, hiding a gun and murdered your wife with the body in the trunk."
"The man is a liar"replied the man "I bet he even said I was speeding."
 
Why do pirates go to the Bahamas for vacation?


'Cause they can all use a little "Arrr 'n' Arrr."

:D :D :D
 
OK, since nobody seems to be ashamed to tell his joke I tell one too that always held a special place in my heart:

2 guys are walking in the forest.
Says the one: "Look there, a mushroom!"
Says the mushroom: "So what?"

:( :) :D
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top