Jokes.
- Thread starter Ripper
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Ripper
Peace Through Superior Firepower
A man and his wife go to Las Vegas for the first time.
When they arrive at their hotel, the wife asked about all the beautiful young women standing around the lobby.
The man said, "Those are hookers. Prostitution is legal in Nevada." The wife was skeptical, but they continued on to their room. The man finally ended the discussion by saying, "O.K. You hide in the bathroom, and I'll call and have one sent up." She agreed, and hid in the bathroom. The man called the front desk and asked for an escort to be sent up. A few minutes later, a beautiful young woman came to the door. The man asked her, "So, what's the going rate nowadays?" She answered, "$300.00." "Whoa! I wasn't planning on spending that much!" he said. She asked how much he had planned on spending. "$20.00" he said. Insulted, the woman left.
So the man and his wife decided to go down to the hotel casino and play the slots. On the way down in the elevator, it stopped and the same young woman got on. She said to the man, "See what $20.00 gets you?"
When they arrive at their hotel, the wife asked about all the beautiful young women standing around the lobby.
The man said, "Those are hookers. Prostitution is legal in Nevada." The wife was skeptical, but they continued on to their room. The man finally ended the discussion by saying, "O.K. You hide in the bathroom, and I'll call and have one sent up." She agreed, and hid in the bathroom. The man called the front desk and asked for an escort to be sent up. A few minutes later, a beautiful young woman came to the door. The man asked her, "So, what's the going rate nowadays?" She answered, "$300.00." "Whoa! I wasn't planning on spending that much!" he said. She asked how much he had planned on spending. "$20.00" he said. Insulted, the woman left.
So the man and his wife decided to go down to the hotel casino and play the slots. On the way down in the elevator, it stopped and the same young woman got on. She said to the man, "See what $20.00 gets you?"
psych
Destroyer of assclowns
I got one.
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night back in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night back in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
BlackJack2063
Rear Admiral
These jokes are kinda sexist, but they are funny
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already dunn told the b*tch twice!
Why are wedding dresses white?
Aren't almost all appliances white?
and.....
What's the first thing a battered wife do when she gets home from the hospital?
The dishes if she's smart.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already dunn told the b*tch twice!
Why are wedding dresses white?
Aren't almost all appliances white?
and.....
What's the first thing a battered wife do when she gets home from the hospital?
The dishes if she's smart.
poopnoodle
Rear Admiral
3 guys were sitting in a bar, talking what had been found in their children's rooms. The first says "i found cigarettes in my son's room, and i had no idea he was smoking." The second guy said "Thats nothing, i found pot in my son's room; I had no idea that he was doing drugs." the third guy looked unimpressed and said "you guys are overreacting, I found condoms in my daughter's room, and i didnt even know she had a penis."
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender turns and asks "why the long face"
Enjoy
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender turns and asks "why the long face"
Enjoy
Ripper
Peace Through Superior Firepower
Did you hear that they're making a new Exorcist movie?
You will remember that in the first one, they hired a Catholic priest to get the Devil out of a little girl? Well, in this one they hire the Devil (played by Al Pacino) to get the Catholic priest out of the little boy.
You will remember that in the first one, they hired a Catholic priest to get the Devil out of a little girl? Well, in this one they hire the Devil (played by Al Pacino) to get the Catholic priest out of the little boy.
Bandit LOAF
Long Live the Confederation!
A guy walks into a bar AND BURNS IT DOWN, KILLING 99.
psych
Destroyer of assclowns
"Why I Fired My Secretary"
I found this on SOCNET. It's called "Why I Fired My Secretary"
Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday. I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife!!!
Surely, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office my secretary said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better ... at least someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, my secretary knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, she said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat... on the couch... naked.
I found this on SOCNET. It's called "Why I Fired My Secretary"
Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday. I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife!!!
Surely, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office my secretary said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better ... at least someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, my secretary knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, she said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat... on the couch... naked.
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