Jokes.

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Hoo, boy, is THIS thread in need of some help :)

This one gets more elaborate each time I tell it, and it's great delivered live, with the actions and the accents. What the hell, I'll stick the accents in anyway ;).

A samurai walks into a bar, decked out in shining bronze armour. He walks up to the bar and declares: "I am tird best samulai in all Japan! Give me a dlink!". The bartender raises an eyebrow, and says "Tell you what. Prove that you're the third best samurai in all Japan and I'll give you your drink for free."

"Observe fry!", says the samurai (pointing at it). He unsheathes his katana in one lightning fast movement, and then re-sheathes his sword. The fly falls dead on the bar in two perfectly cut pieces.

The bartender is very impressed, and gives the samurai his drink.

Shortly afterwards another samurai walks into the bar, decked out in shining silver armour. He walks up to the bar and declares: "I am second best samulai in all Japan! Give me a dlink!". The bartender raises an eyebrow, and says "I'll tell you what. Prove that you're the second best samurai in all Japan and I'll give you your drink for free."

"Observe fry!", says the samurai (pointing at it). He unsheathes his katana in one lighting fast movement, slashes, and then re-sheathes his sword. The fly falls dead on the bar in four perfectly cut pieces.

The bartender is very impressed, and gives the samurai his drink.

Finally, another samurai enters the bar decked out in shining golden armour. He walks up to the bar and declares: "I am best samulai in all Japan! Give me a dlink!". The bartender rolls his eyes and says "Ok, ok, prove you're the best samurai in all Japan and I'll give you your drink for free."

"Observe fry!", says the samurai (pointing at it). He unsheathes his katana in one lightning fast movement. His blade becomes a blur as he slashes and slashes in complex patterns around the fly. The samurai re-sheathes his sword, and the fly simply flies away, aparently unharmed.

"Now wait a second," says the bartender. "What the hell was that? The third best samurai cut his fly into two perfect pieces. The second best samurai cut his fly into four perfect pieces. You didn't even touch yours!"

Says the samurai: "Ah! Not so! Fry now Jewish!"
 
How can you tell when it's bedtime at Neverland? (That's Michael Jackson's place, for anyone that doesn't know.)



When the big hand touches the little hand. :D :confused: :eek:
 
Q. What's the difference between acne and
Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face
until he's at least 13
years old
 
(Heard this joke from "Memphis Belle," but I changed this one to a more WC theme because I don't wanna offend some of the people here.)

A Terran fighter pilot bails out of his ship and is captured by the Kilrathi. He's badly injured, so they have to amputate one of his legs. The pilot says, "Hey, when you cut that off, can you drop that off over at my base in Enyo?" And they do it.

The next day his condition gets worse, and they have to cut off his other leg. Again he asks, "Can you drop that off over at my base in Enyo?" And they do it.

The next day, they have to cut off his arm, and once more he asks, "Hey, can you drop that off over at my base in Enyo?"

"No!" The Kilrathi reply.

"Why not?" Asks the pilot, puzzled.

"We think you're trying to escape!"
 
It's some what better in the movie though.

Here it is:

RASCAL: Hey fellas, I heard a good one from the waist gunner on Windy City, what's his name?
JACK: Coalie.
RASCAL: I mean the left one.
JACK: What, am I talking to myself? Coalie!
RASCAL: I mean the right one.
VIRGIL: I know the guy.
RASCAL: Tall guy?
VIRGIL: He wasn't so tall.
RASCAL: Well, everybody's tall to me.
VIRGIL: Linquis?
RASCAL: No, no, no.
VIRGIL: It was something like that.
RASCAL: Virg, you're not even close. Anyway, a plane gets shot down, the guy bails out and the Gestapo gets him. His leg is broken so they have to amputate. He says, "Do me a favour: after you cut if off, can you give it to one of your planes and have them drop if over my base in England?" and they do it.
DENNIS: Rascal, don't tie up the intercom.
RASCAL: This is a quick one. The next week, they cut off his other leg. He says again, "Will you have someone drop it over my base in England?" and they do it. The next week they gotta cut off his arm. He asks them one more time, "Will you please have someone drop it over my base in England?" This time they say, "Ni! Zis we can't do anymore!" And he says, "Why not?" And they say, "We zink you're trying to escape!"
... Well, whatever his name was, it was a good joke.
 
Not a joke, really, but a quote from Winston Churchill I heard the other day. He was decrying the idea of ending a sentence with a preposition, and he said:

"..that is something up with which I will not put"...
 
TopGun said:
It's some what better in the movie though.

Here it is:

RASCAL: Hey fellas, I heard a good one from the waist gunner on Windy City, what's his name?
JACK: Coalie.
RASCAL: I mean the left one.
JACK: What, am I talking to myself? Coalie!
RASCAL: I mean the right one.
VIRGIL: I know the guy.
RASCAL: Tall guy?
VIRGIL: He wasn't so tall.
RASCAL: Well, everybody's tall to me.
VIRGIL: Linquis?
RASCAL: No, no, no.
VIRGIL: It was something like that.
RASCAL: Virg, you're not even close. Anyway, a plane gets shot down, the guy bails out and the Gestapo gets him. His leg is broken so they have to amputate. He says, "Do me a favour: after you cut if off, can you give it to one of your planes and have them drop if over my base in England?" and they do it.
DENNIS: Rascal, don't tie up the intercom.
RASCAL: This is a quick one. The next week, they cut off his other leg. He says again, "Will you have someone drop it over my base in England?" and they do it. The next week they gotta cut off his arm. He asks them one more time, "Will you please have someone drop it over my base in England?" This time they say, "Ni! Zis we can't do anymore!" And he says, "Why not?" And they say, "We zink you're trying to escape!"
... Well, whatever his name was, it was a good joke.
Click to expand...


Thats from Memphis Belle, right?
 
A drunk brings home a friend one night and give her a tour of his apartment. After touring the kitchen and dining room, they go into the bedroom where the guest notices a large Gong set up next to the bed. She turns to the drunk and asks, "What's the gong for?"

"Oh, it's not a gong... it's a talking clock!"
"A talking clock?"
"Yeah, listen..." The drunk picks up the gong stick and whacks the gong... a minute later from the other side of the wall comes a voice.

"Hey you moron! It's three in the morning!"
 
A man walks in to a Bar and slips up on some Dog Pooh, wipes it from his shoe and then sits down. Another man then walks in and slips up on the Dog Pooh, the first man says "I did that"
 
Everybody, who has a dog, calls him either 'Rover' or 'Spot'. I made the mistake of calling mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me, when I went to city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said "But this is for a dog". He said, " I don't care what she looks like". Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old " He said, "You must have been quite a kid".

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a separate room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for Sex. I said "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "me too". One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert!

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, "I've come for my dog." She said " Which one Spot or Rover". I said "What about Sex?" She slapped me. After I straightened up the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married". He said, "What's your point, so did I". I said "But my wife wants to take Sex away". He said, "That's what happens in a divorce" Last night Sex ran off. I spent the night looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 3 o' clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex....

My case comes up Friday.
 
Police Humor

Got This (and a few more) from a friend in the NYPD:

GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
many.
Then he discovered the problem -- a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road
with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then
found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police
department a
picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of
Handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while
she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book,
got
back on his motorcycle and left.
 
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