Jokes
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fallen phoenix
Spaceman
Heres a good blonde joke:
One day a blonde walks into an appliance store and finds a T.V for the lowest price in town. She approaches the sales clerk and says, "can I buy that T.V over there?" "No," The salesman replies, "we don't serve blondes." Outraged, the blonde storms out of the store and vowes never to buy from them again. She searches all the other stores in town but none have a lower price than the first store. The following day she wears a red wig, puts on coloured contacts and wears different makeup. She returns to the store and askes the salesman again, "may I buy the T.V on sale over there?" "Sorry," the man replies again, "we don't serve blondes" The blondes gets furious and tears off the wig screaming, "How did you know i was blonde?" "Because," says the salesman, "Thats a microwave-oven."
One day a blonde walks into an appliance store and finds a T.V for the lowest price in town. She approaches the sales clerk and says, "can I buy that T.V over there?" "No," The salesman replies, "we don't serve blondes." Outraged, the blonde storms out of the store and vowes never to buy from them again. She searches all the other stores in town but none have a lower price than the first store. The following day she wears a red wig, puts on coloured contacts and wears different makeup. She returns to the store and askes the salesman again, "may I buy the T.V on sale over there?" "Sorry," the man replies again, "we don't serve blondes" The blondes gets furious and tears off the wig screaming, "How did you know i was blonde?" "Because," says the salesman, "Thats a microwave-oven."
fallen phoenix
Spaceman
Q. Why do the French have tree-lined streets?
A. So the Germans can walk in the shade
A. So the Germans can walk in the shade
Bandit LOAF
Long Live the Confederation!
Why doesn't Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico?
Because Oklahoma sucks.
Because Oklahoma sucks.
Phillip Tanaka
Swabbie
Banned
You want a joke? Take a look at this Yahoo group for a bunch of raving loonies. 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/letyouropinionoutnow/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/letyouropinionoutnow/
Danny's two favourite things were Cemestry and Computers. One day, his Dad sees him driving nails into a wooden plank. He ask his son "Why are driving nails into that board son?", Danny says "These are not nails Dad. These are worms soaked in a Liquid Compound my Computer came up with". The Father's eyes brightened, he then said to his son "If you whip me up a batch of that stuff, I'll give you that printer you've wanted.". Danny then gives his Dad a beaker of the concoction, and the next day Danny's father gave him the Promised printer and a new Computer. Danny asked "Thanks for the Printer Dad, but what's with the Computer?" The Father answered "That too is a gift for you. It's from your Mother".
Fin.
Fin.
Phillip Tanaka
Swabbie
Banned
I have one or two offensive jokes, but they'll only get me banned.
Ripper
Peace Through Superior Firepower
This joke made the rounds in the military during Desert Storm. It was rumored to have started at the Pentagon.
The reason that the services don't work well together, is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, If you tell the Navy to "Secure the building.", they will turn off the lights, lock the door, and leave. The building is secure.
The Army will post a sentry, and check the area every hour.
The Marines will assault the building, capture it, defend it with fire and close combat, and then turn it over to the Army.
The Air Force, on the other hand, will take out a three year lease with an option to buy.
The reason that the services don't work well together, is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, If you tell the Navy to "Secure the building.", they will turn off the lights, lock the door, and leave. The building is secure.
The Army will post a sentry, and check the area every hour.
The Marines will assault the building, capture it, defend it with fire and close combat, and then turn it over to the Army.
The Air Force, on the other hand, will take out a three year lease with an option to buy.
Here is a true story from when my father was in the US Army:
One day, my father was eating a chocolate bar while sitting at his desk on base. Since there was no wastebasket available to dispose of the wrapper, he put it into a bag that was to be used for burning classified documents. The lieutenant at the desk across from his saw this and looked up.
"Sergeant, you can't do that," the lieutenant said.
"Why not, Sir?" my father said.
"That bag is for disposing of classified materials only, and that item is not classified," came the reply.
And so, my father reached into the bag, removed the candy wrapper, and stamped "CLASSIFIED" on it, in big, red letters.
"It is now, Sir," he said.
One day, my father was eating a chocolate bar while sitting at his desk on base. Since there was no wastebasket available to dispose of the wrapper, he put it into a bag that was to be used for burning classified documents. The lieutenant at the desk across from his saw this and looked up.
"Sergeant, you can't do that," the lieutenant said.
"Why not, Sir?" my father said.
"That bag is for disposing of classified materials only, and that item is not classified," came the reply.
And so, my father reached into the bag, removed the candy wrapper, and stamped "CLASSIFIED" on it, in big, red letters.
"It is now, Sir," he said.
Ripper
Peace Through Superior Firepower
A man died and went to Hell.
"Bummer!" he said. The Devil came up to him and asked why he was so sad. The man looked at him and said, "I'm in Hell!"
The Devil said, "It's not so bad down here. Do you like to drink?"
The man said, "Yes."
"Well, Monday is drinking day down here. You can drink all you want, anything you want. You can drink, and drink, and drink 'till you pass out. Then you can wake up and drink some more."
"That sounds pretty good.."
"Do you like to smoke?"
"Yes."
"Well, Tuesday is smoking day. You can smoke all you want, anything you want. You can smoke until you pass out, wake up and smoke some more."
"I guess I could do that."
"Do you like drugs?"
"Sure."
"Well, Wednesday is drug day. We've got everything. You can smoke, shoot up, snort, eat whatever you want. You can roll around in the coke pile until you pass out, wake up, and do more drugs."
"Hmmm, that doesn't sound bad at all."
"Do you like to eat?"
"Darn right I do!"
"You can eat anything you want down here. You can eat, and eat, and eat until you pass out, wake up, and eat some more."
"This sounds too good to be true!"
"Do you like sex?"
"You bet your ass I do!"
"Are you gay?"
"No......"
"Oh. Well, you're not going to like Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, then."
"Bummer!" he said. The Devil came up to him and asked why he was so sad. The man looked at him and said, "I'm in Hell!"
The Devil said, "It's not so bad down here. Do you like to drink?"
The man said, "Yes."
"Well, Monday is drinking day down here. You can drink all you want, anything you want. You can drink, and drink, and drink 'till you pass out. Then you can wake up and drink some more."
"That sounds pretty good.."
"Do you like to smoke?"
"Yes."
"Well, Tuesday is smoking day. You can smoke all you want, anything you want. You can smoke until you pass out, wake up and smoke some more."
"I guess I could do that."
"Do you like drugs?"
"Sure."
"Well, Wednesday is drug day. We've got everything. You can smoke, shoot up, snort, eat whatever you want. You can roll around in the coke pile until you pass out, wake up, and do more drugs."
"Hmmm, that doesn't sound bad at all."
"Do you like to eat?"
"Darn right I do!"
"You can eat anything you want down here. You can eat, and eat, and eat until you pass out, wake up, and eat some more."
"This sounds too good to be true!"
"Do you like sex?"
"You bet your ass I do!"
"Are you gay?"
"No......"
"Oh. Well, you're not going to like Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, then."
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