SUPER NEON BATTLESTAR GALACTICA 2003 - PART ONE
by Ron Moore
PROLOGUE
EXT. POORLY CGI'D SPACE STATION
(Note: Since actually showing anything remotely interesting on-screen is anathema to this production, all background information will be provided via onscreen text. No, really.}
Text: MANKIND INVENTED CYLONS. BUT CYLONS WERE EVIL AND BAD. THEN THERE WAS A WAR. LATER, THE CYLONS WENT AWAY AND EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT THEM. A POORLY CGI'D SPACE STATION WAS SET UP TO MONITOR THE PEACE, BECAUSE ACTUALLY CHECKING ON THE EVIL WAR ROBOTS PROGRAMMED TO KILL US SEEMS LIKE TOO MUCH WORK. ALSO, IF THE CYLONS BLOW UP THE POORLY CGI'D SPACE STATION SET UP TO MONITOR THE PEACE, NO ONE WILL CARE AND THEY WILL STILL ACHIEVE A COMPLETE SURPRISE ATTACK.
INT. POORLY CGI'D SPACE STATION
ADMIRAL MOTTI
As a Battlestar Galactica fan, I sure love my folder of blueprints! Also, look at this picture of my kids! That humanizes me!
Enter SOME CYLONS
ADMIRAL MOTTI
I'm not especially interested in SOME CYLONS.
Enter A GIRL CYLON
ADMIRAL MOTTI
A GIRL CYLON! Lets have sex!
GIRL CYLON
Okay, because that makes sense. Also, we're blowing up the space station now. We just came over to the space station that we're in the process of blowing up to let you know that it's being blown up. And for some sex. During the blowing up.
EXT. POORLY CGI'D SPACE STATION
The POORLY CGI'D SPACE STATION *BLOWS UP*!
SCENE TWO
INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA HALLWAY
TOUR GUIDE
Originally, Battlestar Galactica was a midly entertaining ripoff of Star Wars, but now...
TOUGH GIRL PILOT
Make room! I'm a tough girl pilot! Take note of this!
FAT MEXICAN CAPTAIN
I hate technology, because of the Cylons are going to use it to destroy the world! I blame myself for my son dying! The president has breast cancer!
SCENE THREE
INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA POKER ROOM
TOUGH GIRL PILOT (Smoking a *CIGAR*! Because she's *TOUGH*!)
Poker? I just met her!
ANDROGYNOUS PILOT
Hah hah hah hah.
OTHER GIRL PILOT
I guess that's why they call you WHAT YOUR NAME IS.
TOUGH GIRL PILOT
And your skill for exposition is why they call you WHAT YOUR NAME IS.
ANDROGYNOUS PILOT
Hah hah hah hah.
TOUGH GIRL PILOT
All I did was sit in Lt. Cmdr. Chen's fighter!
HUNTER
She's a *PILGRIM*! You're under arrest!
SCENE FOUR
TEXT: "CAPRICORN ONE / CAPRICORN CITY / PLANET CAPRICORN / CAPRICORN SYSTEM / CAPRICORN GALAXY"
GIRL CYLON
I guess I didn't blow up afterall. Now I can have sex with Baltar.
BALTAR
Yay! Here are the command codes.
GIRL CYLON
But do you *love* me?
BALTAR
Sure.
GIRL CYLON
Hah hah, you love a robot.
BALTAR
Now, for a sexy, mature pun.
GIRL CYLON
I'm *HOT*! (GIRL CYLON GLOWS GLOWS RED HOT)
SCENE FIVE
EXT. CAPRICORN ONE MARKET
GIRL CYLON
We're going to destroy this entire planet with nuclear weapons! But people won't know I'm evil unless...
{ENTER - A BABY}
GIRL CYLON
... I kill A BABY!
(GIRL CYLON kills A BABY)
SCENE SIX
INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA BRIDGE
FAT MEXICAN CAPTAIN (giving a speech)
A lot of people have died on Battlestar Galactica, daggit. But the most important casuality... was my sons love for his father! I'm sorry, ENTIRELY NON MEXICAN SON, that I let you down in a matter entirely unrelated to the important decomissioning speech I'm giving!
MISTER OBUTU
Sir, Cylons are attacking the fleet! There's a huge battle going on! Thirty Battlestars have been destroyed!
FAT MEXICAN CAPTAIN
That sounds interesting! Can we see it?
MISTER OBUTU
No.
THE END