I'm making a novel!

Ok, here we go(just a note: if anyone decides to say some constructive critisicsm, I already think my story is kind of fast moving.Also, the captain's character I made.) . . .

CHAPTER 1
March 15, 2668
24:00 Confederation Standard Time
Ready Room, TCS Concordia

Jason “Bear” Bondarevsky looked over the blue prints for the new mega-carrier TCS Destroyer. Maj. Todd “Maniac” Marshall was looking over his shoulder. Maj. Christopher Blair was on the other side of the Concordia, in his cabin.
Maniac looked up at Jason and said, “Beautiful isn’t she?”
“You think every woman is beautiful.” Jason chuckled.
“Yeah, that’s very funny.” Maniac looked back over at the blue prints. “When is she going to be ready?”
“We think by day 82.”
“How long has Confed been working on this baby?”
“God . . . I say a couple years.”
“I hope this thing works.”


Blair’s Cabin
24:15 Confed time

Blair was still missing Angel since she was aboard the Tarawa. He hadn't seen her in months.

Blair heard a knock at the door.
“Enter.” He called.
“Hey, Chris.” It was Maniac.
“Yeah. What is it Maniac?”
“I’m here because we just got a new wingman from Tarawa. Or should I say wing-women?” Maniac pointed to the door.
“You can come on in now, Angel.”
Blair looked at the door. “Angel?”
“It’s me Chris.” Blair heard Angel’s voice.
Blair responded, “I’m so happy to see you!”
He went up to her and kissed her.
“I’m glad to see you, too.” Angel said, flattered.
Maniac said, “I’ll be going now, lovebirds.”
“Where have you been?” Blair asked Angel.
“Aboard the Tarawa.”
Blair looked at her and said, “I thought you were supposed to be here, on the Concordia.”
“I know, I know. But I was transferred at the last minute to undergo a black ops project.”


“Oh? Why?”
“I don’t know everything that goes on high up, you know.”
Angel smiled.
“Well, anyway, don’t leave me like that again.”
Blair smiled with her.

Ready Room
24:30 Confed time

“Alright, here we go.” The captain of the Concordia said.
“This is a simple recon mission. Blair, you and your squadron will head to this point, at Nav 1.”
He pointed to a point on the Nav map.
“Then you will sweep the area of any hostiles you may encounter.”
“Then you will head over to Nav 2, where you will meet the Concordia and escort her to the nearest jump point at Nav 3.”
“Now, any questions?” The captain looked around. “Alright, let’s move out.”

Broadsword fighter
Confederation Air Space
Vega Sector, Sol System

“All systems ready.” Blair said through the radio.
“Maverick (that was the callsign Blair choose), we’re ready when you are.” Maniac said.
Blair saw the AUTO link flash near is Heads-Up-Display (HUD).
He pressed it, and him and his squad when to Nav 1.
“Damn, the Cats!” Maniac said.
“Break and attack.” Blair ordered.

Hah’Ifra, Prince Thrakhath’s flagship
24:40 Confed time

“Lord Thrakhath, we have successfully sent out our war ships on the humans.” Melek, Prince Thrakhath’s assistant, told him.
“Excellent.” Thrakhath felt saliva fill his mouth. “Is our Fleet nearly complete?”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Continue your excellent work then.”

Broadsword fighter
Nav 2, Vega Sector.

“Link established. Now we are ready for escort, Maverick.” The captain of Concordia said.
“That is very good.” Blair said.

As they arrived at Nav 3, they noticed something on the Nav map.
It wasn’t red triangles on the map, but green circles, near red triangles, signaling friendly Confederation space craft.
“Holy crap.” Maniac said
“Let’s go check it out gang.” Blair said.
“Please help us.” Blair heard a voice on the radio. “The Kilrathi have raided our ship of all vital supplies and have the whole ship hostage and we have had several reported casualties.”
“We are on our way in.” Blair exclaimed. “Squad, break and attack!”

Hah’Ifra
24:50 Confederation time

“Lord Thrakhath, we have successfully stripped the human vessel of all vital supplies.” Melek happily reported to Prince Thrakhath.
“How many deaths?”
“We have reported several, my lord.”
“I am very pleased.”


Broadsword fighter
24:55 CST (Confederation Standard Time)

“Their coming at us too fast!” Angel bellowed through the radio.
“Help me out here lad!” James “Paladin” Taggart yelled.
“I’m coming Paladin!” Blair said.
“Turned ‘em into kitty litter!” exclaimed Maniac.
As the last Kilrathi ship burned into space, Blair said, “That’s the last of them. We’re glad to help”
“Thank you so much.” The voice on the radio said.

Rec Room, TCS Concordia
25:00 CST

It was always a great time in the Rec Room, especially when Jimmy was on duty at the bar. Old Jim was a war vet himself in the early days of the war, but served only about a year and a half due to the loss of his left arm.
He always was good at cards, didn’t cheat, and got a lot of money out of it.
And this particular day was better than any other.
“Hey Jim.” Blair said as he walked into the Rec room.
“Hey Maverick. What do you want . . . uhhh. . . a Hell’s Kitchen?”
“That would be great, Jim.” Blair smiled.
“Blair, come over here.” Maniac said as he motioned Blair towards the kill list.
“Blair, on this tub so far, you have had so far twenty-two kills and I only have sixteen.”
Blair looked at him, then the kill board, then back at Maniac.
“And?” Blair questioned.
“Why do I suck?” Maniac asked.
“Awww . . . Maniac. You don’t suck. You’re just a moron.”
“Thanks Blair. You really lifted my spirits.”
“Anytime, pal.”
Blair spotted Angel.
“There you are, Angel. I’ve been looking for you.”
Angel responded, “Yes Chris?”
“Angel, do you know about the spy we planted in the Kilrathi Empire?”
“Yes.’
“Well, I didn’t tell the captain this because I didn’t know how he’d react, but the spy. . .” He trailed off.
“Yes? What is it?”
“Well, the spy has been found out and they killed him.”
Angel looked devastated. “But that information. . . It was vital to winning this war!”
“Well, Mark Colson was a fine man. A fine, fine man.” Blair almost wept. “I miss him too.”
“We have to tell the captain this.” Angel said.
“We will.”

Captain Trotter’s cabin
25:25 CST

“Come in, Blair. Come in.” The captain said.
“Hello, Captain Trotter.” Blair responded.
“What is it you need, my good man?” Capt. Trotter had an Australian accent.
“I have to tell you about Mr. Colson, the spy we planted in the Kilrathi empire.”
“Yes. What about him?”
“Well sir, he’s been found out and was killed two days ago.”
There was a long moment of silence.
Trotter broke it by saying, “B-but that information he was giving us was vital for us having the slightest chance at winning this war.”
Another long moment of silence.
“How did this happen?”
Blair was as calm as he could be in that moment, and when you’re in a position like this with Trotter it’s hard to stay calm.
“I don’t know sir. I just don’t know.”
“Very well. You are dismissed, Major.”
 
Maniac89
First off congratz :D on the work you’ve done so far and I hope you stick with it. I wish I had the time to even try.:(

On to the story now.
It does move fast, you’re right, probably a little too fast but it’s a little hard to tell right now once it’s fleshed out it will have to be reviewed again.

You have a lot of characters you’ve thrown in there and most of them BIG names. You may want to consider other lesser developed characters in the WC universe (or develop your own.) and keep the BIG names for bit parts. That way you don’t have to meet everyone’s expectations of the character(s) and you don’t have to worry about any timeline issues. Bear was small hardly developed part of Spec Ops and look what was done with him.

You should also take a look into some books on military Chain of Command, specifically Air Force and Navy because you have a few issues that would need to be fixed.

Well that’s my 2 cents worth.:rolleyes: Hope it helps. Keep up the good work.:)

Shades
 
Put descriptions like "The fighter banked hard, manovering-jets blazing", or" Blair opened up with his mass-Driver, blowing the little kitty-fighter into scrap durasteel and burning fuel", etc. it looks more of a dialogue than a novel to me.
 
Indeed, the story moves very fast. I think this could be a very good storyboard - for some sort of comic or so.
More details - and everything is perfect.

Keep up the good work!

Deacan
-back behind the stick of his duress-
 
The story is still very young in development, keep in mind.
Thanks for your comments.

The Maniac

P.S. This is the first piece of fanfic I've ever done. :)
 
I DONE YOUR COVERART!!!
How do you like it?
It's too big for ImageShack...uhoh...
I'll send it via Email to you.
What's your Email?
 
no offense but the story sounds way too fanboyish to me with all the big name characters and mega-carriers in 2668...
 
I have used all of you guys suggestions, and personally I think my present work is better than the earlier work. So I've decided to post another preview, to see if you guys like it better:

Rapier
Confederation space
26:50 CST

“All systems ready.” Blair said, and then looked around.
“Angel, Maniac, Paladin, you all form on my wing.”
“Let’s go.”

After they went into autopilot, Blair spotted twelve hostiles on his Nav map.
“Break and attack!” Blair ordered.
“Bye, bye, kitty!” Blair heard Maniac scream.
“God damn it! Maverick, Maniac, help me out!” Blair heard Angel scream.
“I’m coming.” Blair and Maniac both said.
“No! I’m ejecting!!” Angel yelled.
“Angel!” Blair yelled.
He saw Angel’s ship blow up in front of him, but he also saw her ejection pod.
“I’m tractoring you in, Angel!” Blair called.
“NO!!” Blair watched in disbelief as just as he was about to press his tractor button, he saw another Kilrathi ship tractor Angel in.
“Human scum!” A Kilrathi screamed into the radio.
Blair cursed, “You god damn Kilrathi! I’ll destroy you’re whole race if you do anything to her!”
The same Kilrathi said, “As you can see, we have found the humans weakness: compassion!”




Hah’Ifra
Bridge
26:55 CST

“My lord, we have captured a new human. They call it ‘Angel’.” Melek said to Prince Thrakhath.
“Yes. Tell my grandfather. The Emperor.”
“Of course my lord.” Melek bowed and turned around.
“And Melek.” Thrakhath said.
“Yes, lord?”
“Be sure to tell the dead spy.” Thrakhath smiled.
Melek laughed.
As Melek walked away, the Emperor came in. Melek almost bumped into him.
“I am so sorry my Emperor. I didn’t mean to-“
The Emperor laughed. “It is alright, Melek.”
The Emperor came over to his grandson and said, “Thrakhath, what do you intend to do with the spy?”
The Emperor didn’t know the spy was killed.
“Emperor, don’t you know? We killed the spy after he was found out.”
“Oh. Excellent.”
They both were filled with delight.
“Now.” Thrakhath said. “Our secret Fleet has been undergoing some new operations, adding one-hundred and fifty new cruisers.”
We have attempted to modify them so they can carry five missiles instead of three, but that was a failure. We also have attempted to fix the flaws in the Fleet, but we will need time.”
The Emperor said, “We better.”
“We will my Emperor. Trust me, we will.”

Rec Room
TCS Concordia
27:00 CST

“Blair, man, I’m sorry about Angel.” Maniac said to Blair as he was enjoying another Hell’s Kitchen.
“Maniac. Shut up.” Blair said as he was not in any mood to talk about Angel, not even in a mood to talk at all.
“Sorry bud, just wanted to not make you so angry. Don’t worry. We’ll get back at the Cats.”
“Yep. I hope so.”

Back in Blair’s cabin, Paladin was waiting for him there. Blair confronted him and said, “Hi Paladin. What is it you need?”
“Well laddy, first I want to say I’m sorry about Angel.”
“Thanks Paladin.”
Second, I’m here because there is something we have found out.”
“I know I know.” Blair said. “The spy was killed.”
“No, not that laddy.” Paladin continued. “But other news.
It turns out that Mr. Colson sent us a radio signal last week that contained highly classified information. The information was that he went into many briefing rooms. And they discussed something called a “secret fleet”.”
“What?!” Blair screeched. “Didn’t they already do that with the false armistice?”
“Yes they did. But I suppose they think we’re stupid.”
“So what is in this secret fleet?”
“Hundreds of star fighters. Thousands of carriers and cruisers. And we believe that Prince Thrakhath and the Emperor themselves are in charge of this.”
“What is Confed going to do about this?” Blair questioned.
“Stop the fleet.”

Sabre
Avalon Sector
27:50 CST

As they arrived at Nav 1 they saw a Kilrathi corvette. It was smaller than usual, but still pretty big. Blair heard this voice on the radio: “We have you’re prized ‘Angel’, as you call it. She is in our possession, unharmed, for now. But if you cooperate, we might consider bringing her to you.”
“You assholes!” Blair screamed. “We will not cooperate and we will not negotiate with you! Now either we don’t shoot at you, or you give us Angel.”
“I am afraid it is not that easy human. You see-“
“Squad!” Blair yelled. “Break and attack!”
 
BTW, when anyone spots "hostiles" add words like, it took the IFF(Identification Firend or Foe) a few milliseconds to Id the unknown ships. And when you see hostiles, don't "Break and Attack" straight away, add some expressions like " Okay, got some hostiles here, weapons free" and such.
Add effects such as "the crimson meson fire enveloped Angel's fighter" or the green glow of the Kilrathi's tractor beam enraged Blair" or "Maniac punched off a missile, which slowly streaked towards the enemy fighter 5000 kliks away"

That way, you can make it interesting and long.
 
I'm gonna post the cover art, so you all can congratulate fongsaunder! (BTW, I hope it's alright with you!)
 

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