My treatment for a Wing Commander II movie

TheFraix

Vice Admiral
Hey Guys...
I've been taking a creative writing course at a certain film school around my area. While juggling around my homeworks, I decide to flex a bit of my creativity muscles and wrote the following treatment.

What do you think? I'll appreciate any input given.

-Fraix



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TEASER
A wing of elite fighter squadron of the TCS Tiger Claw, led by major Chris Blair successfully destroyed the Kilrathi stronghold on the Vega sector, bringing a major victory for the human. Bishop dies, while Maniac is injured. Bossman dies trying to buy time for the rest of wing get away safely.

ACT ONE
Funeral for the fallen comrades who recently died, including Bishop and Bossman. Maniac is sent to a psych rehab center away from the Claw. Afterwards, the Claw was redeployed to the Enigma sector. Because of the many loss of pilots from previous campaign, the remaining pilots were sent to patrol flying single without any wingman.
Flying alone, Blair encountered ghost ships, causing him to stray from his flight path. Soon, the Claw is under attack and destroyed.

ACT TWO
Reforming under Deveraux’s command, the surviving pilots regroup and land at the TCS Austin. Blair’s flight recorder is discovered missing causing him to raise suspicions. Admiral Tolwyn immediately brought matters into his own hands and had Blair court martial for treason, citing his Pilgrim roots and personal sentiments. Unwilling to accept the charges, Blair was demoted to Captain and persuaded to resign. Instead, Blair transferred to Insystem militia and was forced to serve in the backlines.
The war rages on. In the meantime, some filmmakers decide to cash in a holovid of novelization based on Blair’s trial called A Treacherous Hero.

ACT THREE
Ten years later, Blair became active again and later comes to the rescue of the TCS Concordia, Admiral Tolwyn’s flagship and the carrier which Deveraux commands. After a series of successful missions, Blair is offered transfer to Concordia. Shadow’s death cemented Blair’s intentions to get even with the Kilrathi and flying with the Concordia. His reputation however makes it seemingly difficult for the other pilots to trust him. Surprisingly, he gains the trust and loyalty of Ralgha nar Hhallas, a Kilrathi defector and pilot.

ACT FOUR
Series of routine missions. Blair reunites with Taggart, a covert op pilot. After a successful gig, Taggart insists Tolwyn utilize Blair. Tolwyn however is unwilling to entrust that much to a Pilgrim half-breed despite Blair’s past evidence of loyalties.

ACT FIVE
The Concordia goes to the offensive, attacking a Kilrathi command starbase. But the mission is sabotaged by a traitor. Blair’s best friend Spirit dies sacrificing herself to destroy the starbase.
Unwilling to accept the meaningless deaths, Blair and Deveraux finds refuge from each other and rekindle their romance.

ACT SIX
Blair and Angel discuss their relationship and the fate of fellow Claw survivors.

ACT SEVEN
Blair and Angel fly together in several missions, much to the chagrin of fellow pilots. They find a backdoor jump line to K’Tithrak Mang HQ. Afterwards Blair is assigned to fly with Jazz.

ACT EIGHT
Blair’s mission with Jazz encounter stealth fighters. Going home with prove that they exists, Blair is vindicated.
The traitor is discovered and escapes on a stolen fighter. Blair flies after him and defeats him in combat. So wanting to kill Jazz, Angel persuades Blair to let the courts decide his fate. Blair tractors Jazz home.

ACT NINE
Concordia begins to strike the HQ. Blair steals a bomber and attack the Starbase by himself. He is challenged by Thrakath whom he fights and win. Taking out the remaining escorts with the help of Angel, Stingray, Doomsday and Hobbes who comes to his aid, Blair launched the torpedo that destroys the Kilrathi HQ and return as a hero.
 

Max Gene

Spaceman
A friendly neighborhood mod could do it in exchange for a hefty bribe, I mean, if you ask the right one nicely.
 

Ijuin

Admiral
Hmmm looks interesting, but I'd cut the teaser part--I think that it would be better drama for the film to open on the memorial service, and then the opening credits would roll as the pilots are launching for the ill-fated last mission of the Claw. We do want to keep this down to about three hours, after all.
 

TheFraix

Vice Admiral
Hmmm looks interesting, but I'd cut the teaser part--I think that it would be better drama for the film to open on the memorial service, and then the opening credits would roll as the pilots are launching for the ill-fated last mission of the Claw. We do want to keep this down to about three hours, after all.

Three hours vs 100 minutes of the first movie.
 

Bob McDob

Better Health Through Less Flavor
It feels too vague for even a rough draft - "fly a couple of missions" equates to, what, exactly? A movie, even a three-hour long one (I'd argue even a miniseries) can't really afford to be that general - these are snippets of reality (as in fact the Wing Commander missions themselves are). You don't need more than one (or a section of one) mission necessarily in order to develop the character - unless you're thinking of doing it as some sort of montage.

It also feels unbalanced - I don't know how long an act is intended to be here, but spending an entire one essentially shipboard after five virtually non-stop flight segments is an awkward change of pace. The initial setup is pretty long, too - do you really want to spend almost a fifth of the film in a segment that the original game did in less than a minute? Ten minutes seems like the max you should do - it gives enough time to set things up without dragging the film along (you do, after all, want to put action sequences in, which don't always play well timewise with a treatment that is already pretty packed otherwise).

The "Pilgrim half-breed' thing is odd to say the least - Tolwyn in the movie was Blair's greatest champion against the bigots (and outside he has enough reasons to despise him in private - you could probably get away with an offhand "we don't get along well" between Blair and another character).

Hobbes and Jazz seem to complement each other well - the genuine rascal vs. the noble, reluctant (at this point, anyway) turncoat. Together with Blair, the 'traitor by default' you could potentially turn that into something - but first you need to give Jazz the prominence he deserves. He doesn't even pop up here until past the half-way mark.
 
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