I've got to go back and read the changes you may have made from my first read through, but the Sivar weapon thing seemed to come out of nowhere. The "lightsaber" duel was a bit too much as was the need to completely undress Elise, plus "it wasn't the last time Elise saw either of them [Trent and Elias]"
Counting the stuff Viper said, each one of your "chapters" struggles to be a mere three pages, compared to a normal Wing Commander Aces chapter that normally runs around 7-8, sometimes as much as 10 (And in my 7 years with them, not once have I heard any of them ask to get paid $ for compensation either ). So basically, give or take, your have 36 pages for your 12 chapters, plus a few more which peaks around 40. Which is about 5 contemporary chapters for somewhere else, but you stretched it out to 12 chapters so you can say how much work you've put into it and how "many" chapters you have done successfully.
But for that Elise undressing part, I found some great Debbie Does Dallas mp3s on Kazaa, I'll be happy to upload it to my server if you want to attach them as listening music while reading.
i changed the "last time" line - thanks for seeing that
the sivar was mentioned in the chapter 4 mission briefing, and it just took that long for the bad guys to get it working on mistral sea
psych, you must not have read the whole thing, since each chapter has 3 web pages - try using the arrows when you get to the end of a page - if you cut and paste all the text in Word, it comes out to around 150 pages
i regret the money post now - please accept my apologies